Last week, I wrote about the signs of a healthy recovery and a not-so-healthy recovery. This week, I’ll share about the other question I get asked by partners of those struggling with addiction: “Should I stay?”

The easiest answer is, “That’s a very personal decision, and no one can or should make it but you.” (Spoiler alert, I’ll be repeating this again.) It’s an easy answer because it’s right, but that doesn’t make it an easy decision.

Some people will advise you to get out while you can. Others will say they deserve a chance to prove themselves. I prefer to remain neutral because it truly is a personal decision that only you can make for yourself. But, what you can do is be educated about what staying may look like. I say “may” because, well, everyone is too different for me to make a blanket statement.

Except for this blanket statement: if you or your children are in danger or are being abused, please leave. There are resources available. You can begin here, or text “Start to 88788 or call 1-800-799-SAFE.

Some of you may not know this, but I don’t just help people struggling with addiction; I also help their loved ones because I understand this side of the equation too. The questions I get asked the most are, “How will I know if my loved one has recovered?” Followed by, “Should I Stay?” <—More on that question next week.

These are challenging for me to answer. Not because I don’t know the signs of a healthy recovery, but because people generally don’t like to hear, “Well, we’re never ‘recovered,’ we’re always going to be in recovery and a work in progress.” People are a bit more optimistic when I explain that with a good, healthy recovery that is worked every single day, we can stay clean and emotionally sober.

I can almost hear the collective sigh across the internet as the word “journaling” was read. Those of us in recovery and healing hear it All. The. Time. Why? Why does everyone tell us to journal? The answer’s quite simple: it works. There’s something cathartic about clearing out the gunk in our brains, putting it from pen to paper or keyboard to screen. Whether you love to write or despise it, journaling is a great addition to our recovery and healing toolkit.

I’m a doer when it comes to learning and absorbing. Even in school, I absorbed new things by writing them down. It’s probably why I’m also a visual person, it helps my brain put things together. After I got my ACC in life coaching, I continued to get certified in cognitive behavioral coaching and that’s where I learned about putting our thoughts on trial. It’s another great tool to add to our recovery toolkit. This exercise makes you stop and think and pull out the puzzle pieces of your thoughts or even situations and examine them, then challenge them.

As you move along your journey, you may experience a myriad of complicated feelings. They’re like cracks in your self-esteem and self-worth. You may even consider yourself broken, perhaps beyond repair. I want to assure you this is not the case. Your experiences make you valuable. They make you who you are today: a strong, determined individual, who's putting one foot in front of the other as you move towards a healthier and happier you. The fact that your human spirit keeps striving towards betterment is a testament that you are not broken. Instead, you're using your experiences to redefine and strengthen yourself.

Automatic Negative Thoughts (aka ANTs because they can line up and march around our brain) can hinder our forward progress. I also called it my "addict voice" because it liked to whisper those negative thoughts in my ear when I was feeling BLASTed (bored, lonely, angry, stressed, tired).

We need to learn to run with patience:

•       We can benefit more from recovery and healing when we aren’t trying to rush the growth.

•       We can commit to the process.

•       We can settle in and allow the progression of self-discovery to happen.

Resolutions

•       Resolutions, by definition, are resolute. They are concrete, absolute, “personal laws” that are placed upon ourselves.

•       Creating these “personal laws” in recovery (whether it’s substances or behaviors like emotional dependency) can create high expectations: (remember the saying,” high expectations can lead to premeditated resentments.”)

•       Having plans for recovery is important, but creating an absolute in recovery may lead to setbacks from stress, fear of failure, and desire for perfection. We thrive when focusing on progress vs. focusing on perfection, so for some, they may not work.

Intentions

•       An intention is a positive call to action about something you want to do rather than something you don’t want to do but feel that you “should.”

•       They are reasonable goals to be reached, transformation of mindset or attitude, and an intent for positive change.

•       If we stray from our positive intention, we can pause, reflect, and get back on track.

•       Intentions are a way to complement and help you progress on your personal healing and recovery journey.