Pornography Addict? SLA? SAA?

This post is for people wondering if they or their partner may be a pornography addict (PA), sex addict (SA), or sex and love addict (SLA). I’m writing this based on my experiences because I’m not a licensed therapist. I’m a wife who has experienced betrayal trauma because of this disease. Over the coming months, I’ll share more about the addiction from my work with PA, SA, and SLA. I’ll also share the partner side of it. 

If you’re a first-time visitor, you’ll notice I write with a touch of humor and sarcasm. That’s not because I don’t take addiction, betrayal trauma, or abuse seriously. I write this way because after the dust settled and I started on my healing journey, I found the passion for writing again, and this is the voice that came out. The one that closely resembles my own. Probably because I needed to see hope after disclosure and find a laugh or two to keep from falling into a pit of despair.

***Trigger Warning***

This post may contain words and/or descriptions that may trigger someone healing or struggling with betrayal trauma, PA, SA, and SLA.

Addicted or Not?

You may be asking yourself, “Is my partner an addict, or does he enjoy a lot of pornography and Instagram models?” It’s a valid question to ask, and it can be challenging to answer without talking to a professional. Particularly because pornography addiction and sex addiction aren’t in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) as I sit here and type this post.

I’ll step out on a risky limb, hoping it doesn’t snap in the process, and share my own thoughts and experiences. Of course, it’d be great to have the person we think is struggling talk to a therapist (a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist aka C-SAT if possible) and get their opinion, but let’s be honest, that may not be an option. Especially in the beginning. They may not recognize a problem, or if they do, they may not be ready to face it yet. I know when people told me I was addicted to coke, I told them to F off, then did another eight ball.

There’s an online assessment test by Dr. Patrick Carnes (“the founding father of sex addiction therapy”) called PATHOS. If the person struggling answers yes to three or more of the questions below, they should speak to a professional.

• Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts? (Preoccupied)

• Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from others? (Ashamed)

• Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like? (Treatment)

• Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior? (Hurt others)

• Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire? (Out of control)

• When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards? (Sad)

But, again, if they’re not honest with themselves, they aren’t going to be honest with the test if they aren’t ready to face the fact that they might be an addict.

So, what’s left? You. You’re what’s left. Like most addicts, the signs are most likely there if we can see them. Sometimes, it really can be a case of not seeing the forest from the trees. 

There may be some obvious clues: chronic masturbation, pornography, PIED (porn-induced erectile dysfunction). In the case of sex addiction, there may be multiple affairs either online, physically, emotionally, or on social media accounts like Only Fans, Snap Chat, etc.

But what about before some of these things occur? Or what if these things aren’t even the scope of your loved one’s acting out? Maybe your partner’s addiction is limited to one area, like massage parlors, strip clubs, chats, exhibitions, or erotica. It can get quite complex, can’t it? Just like other forms of addiction, pornography and sex addiction is a progressive disease. Before all the neon signs flashed around us, there may have been some subtle red flags flapping in the wind, too. Things like:

Lying: About anything and everything. “I watered the plants while you were out of town,” even though they’re all dead from dehydration. Or, “There was no answer when I called you,” when his number isn’t on the caller ID. It doesn’t matter the reason for the lie. It just comes naturally, and it can be one of the most challenging habits for the person struggling to break even well into recovery. At least it was for me.

Anger Issues: The most minor things may set them off. Is traffic starting to back up? Most people get a little pissed off. People struggling with addiction may fly off the handle, screaming at people from behind the wheel, and then stay angry for a long time afterward. There may be an underlying rage simmering beneath the surface, waiting to burst through at any moment and for the tiniest reason. They may be experiencing anger or an inability to regulate their emotions. You may notice they’re having mood swings and not sleeping or eating well.

Losing Track of Time: Whether it’s missed deadlines at work, showing up late to a dinner date, or not showing up at all, often those battling with addiction lose track of time. The claws of the disease have more power than the hands of a clock, and it wins almost every time. It’s difficult not to take it personally.

Family of Origin (FOO) Problems: I’m old—okay, not that old—and I’m sure there’s an updated term for this, like formative family and family of experience, but I happen to like this one. On my podcast, I’ll talk about FOO in more detail in two weeks.  

Anyway, this is all about who you grew up around and what happened while you were around those people. It can be your mom, dad, aunts, uncles, grandmas, grandpas, foster parents, guardians, friends, or a mixture of them all. Suppose something in your family or your partner’s family was off-kilter. In that case, you can be more susceptible to being in an unhealthy relationship. 

It can be anything from emotional neglect to sexual abuse and all the things in between. It can all be damaging. On the more positive side of things, if we’ve been taught to be patient and kind, we also bring that into our relationships too.

Inappropriateness: There’s a time and place, and most people know what that time and place are. Those struggling may not always gauge when that time is. They don’t mind testing the waters a bit by making a sly remark here and there. They want to push boundaries.

As the addiction progresses, these are common too:

Lack of Interest: I remember feeling dumbfounded about this piece of information. A pornography addict and sex addict not interested in sex? It didn’t make sense to me at all. Turns out it’s not unusual for people who compulsively masturbate to lose interest in physical intimacy. In some cases, compulsive masturbation can also contribute to PIED, psychological problems, and other health issues. It can help to remember sex addiction is not about the sex. Porn and sex are the symptoms of the disease and the inability to connect intimately on an emotional level.

Secrets: Lots of secrets. Everything from secret email accounts, social websites, apps, or platonic friendships. Addicts may lead a double life, and if this is the case for you, I want you to know you aren’t alone. The same was true for me. I felt so naive. I had no idea what was going on in my marriage. I knew there was a problem with porn, but the rest – clueless. So, if you’re in the place, feeling like the rug just ripped out from under you, and there’s a void beneath it, healing is possible. You’re stronger than you realize, and you’re capable of anything.

Detachment and/or Isolation: The further into the disease our partner gets pulled in, the less we’ll recognize them. They’re going to spend time more time with their addiction than they are with us. We can’t fill that void inside them no matter how hard we try or how desperately we want to, it can’t be done. Not by us, anyway. The addiction can cause them to isolate in a variety of ways. Maybe it’s staying late at work, hiding in another room, or not being mentally present even when they’re physically in the room with us. They become detached, and we may feel a mixture of anger and sadness.

Ignoring Responsibilities: You may notice that things your loved one used to do, such as chores, projects at work, andeven their favorite hobbies, are falling by the wayside. As the addiction worms its way into their life, it becomes more important than anything else. Even more important than relationships with you, their children, family, and friends. The most important relationship they have is the one with their addiction.

These are some of the signs you can look for if you think your partner is a pornography addict, sex addict, or sex and love addict. Ultimately, the best thing to do is find a C-SAT or addiction specialist and support for both of you. If your partner isn’t ready, find support for yourself (I have resources in my last post) so you can make educated decisions on what you want to do.

As you know, I’m a firm believer in hope. Recovery isn’t easy, but it is possible. Healing from betrayal trauma also takes an extraordinary amount of work, but you’re an extraordinary person. You can do anything. Never forget that. Keep an eye out for more podcasts and posts about navigating betrayal trauma, PA, SA, and SLA.

 If you have any questions, please let me know. I answer my emails, with no strings attached. I’m here to help!

 Sending everyone happy and healthy vibes,

Laura