The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1944 film, ‘Gaslight.” Paula falls in love with Gregory and they get married. Soon after, he starts to show pathological narcissistic behavior, leading to her insanity. In one scene, he messes with the gas light in the attic, which makes the house lights grow dim. When she mentions hearing some footsteps in the attic, and then the lights dimming, he says she’s imagining everything. This makes her second guess herself. Gaslighting is now the widely used term for when a narcissist truly screws with your head making you second-guess yourself.

I was Paula. It didn’t happen to me overnight. It evolved over time, like so many other things in my marriage. My brain slowly got twisted in knots. It was such a bizarre feeling. I went from being this self-assured, (mostly) confident woman to someone who questioned herself about the craziest things.

One of the first things I lost during my husband’s active addiction was the ability to trust my instincts. Instincts are there to help us make quick decisions and keep us safe. Many of us know that feeling: walking alone in a parking lot, spotting someone suspicious, and getting that “strange feeling.” Maybe it’s a pit in your stomach, chills on your arms, or a voice in your head saying “something’s off.” That’s your brain sending an SOS, warning you to be cautious.

This post is for people wondering if they or their partner may be a pornography addict (PA), sex addict (SA), or sex and love addict (SLA). I’m writing this based on my experiences because I’m not a licensed therapist. I’m a wife who has experienced betrayal trauma because of this disease. Over the coming months, I’ll share more about the addiction from my work with PA, SA, and SLA. I’ll also share the partner side of it.