Aftermath of Betrayal Trauma: Trusting Your Instincts
One of the first things I lost during my husband’s active addiction was the ability to trust my instincts. Instincts are there to help us make quick decisions and keep us safe. Many of us know that feeling: walking alone in a parking lot, spotting someone suspicious, and getting that “strange feeling.” Maybe it’s a pit in your stomach, chills on your arms, or a voice in your head saying “something’s off.” That’s your brain sending an SOS, warning you to be cautious.
Living with an active pornography addict made me doubt if what my instincts were telling me was true. I was being deceived by someone I trusted and loved. When I walked into a room and heard the frantic clicks of a mouse, I knew what that meant. He was closing out pornography windows. Sometimes I’d even see it, but by the time he finished explaining, I was convinced I hadn’t seen what I knew I saw. I’d been gaslit into questioning my reality.
After disclosure, I was determined to learn how to trust my instincts again. But first, I had to understand our natural responses and forgive myself for not acting sooner. I carried so much guilt and shame for not standing up for myself when his addiction was at its worst. I was simply trying to survive a chaotic situation I didn’t fully understand.
Understanding Instinctual Response Modes
Our bodies respond to perceived threats in a few different ways. Recognizing these responses helps us understand our instincts better.
Fight Mode:
When we perceive confrontation as the best course of action, we may become defensive or aggressive. Adrenaline kicks in, muscles tense, and our heart rate increases. We’re ready to stand our ground, argue back, or fight for our safety.
Flight Mode:
In flight mode, we instinctively want to escape the threat. Our heart rate speeds up, and we’re primed to leave, either physically or emotionally. This may look like avoiding confrontation or withdrawing from a difficult situation.
Freeze Mode:
When neither fight nor flight feels safe, we may freeze. We become stuck, unable to think or move, our body immobilized as we hope the threat passes unnoticed. Our breathing may become shallow, and we might feel detached from reality.
Fawn Mode:
Fawning is a way of placating the threat by making ourselves agreeable or non-threatening. We may exhibit people-pleasing behaviors, become overly compliant, or neglect our own needs to avoid conflict. Cortisol and adrenaline increase as we focus on keeping the peace.
Do you see yourself in one or more of these modes? I know I went through several during the worst of my husband’s addiction. After his disclosure, I felt isolated and floundered for about a year. I realized I couldn’t do it alone. I needed support but struggled to find it.
Recognizing When You’re Stuck in “Survival Mode”
For months, I found myself hypervigilant, constantly on high alert. I’d been part of an online forum where negativity and anxiety thrived, and it was adding to my stress. I recalled a moderator on a migraine forum once explaining that people who were suffering most were the ones seeking support online, while those who were feeling better had moved on. I wanted to be one of those people who had moved on to live a thriving life. I knew I needed to change my environment to reduce stress and regain a sense of peace.
Why does this matter for trusting your instincts? Because eliminating unnecessary stressors helps your brain reset, allowing your instincts to come through clearly again. Staying in a constant state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn leads to chronic anxiety, PTSD, or depression. Our brains start reacting to everything as a threat, and we lose the ability to distinguish real danger from false alarms.
Where to Begin: Setting Boundaries and Listening to Your Body
Create Boundaries
Boundaries are essential to healing, especially in enmeshed relationships. It may feel uncomfortable at first but learning to say “no” is a powerful step in reclaiming your instincts and your sense of self.
Notice Your SOS Signals
Pay attention when your body sends out those “strange feelings.” Acknowledge the message and ask yourself why it’s happening. Awareness is the first step to rebuilding trust in yourself.
Distance from Gaslighting and Toxicity
If you’re being gaslit, know that recognizing it is powerful. Write down instances of gaslighting to help ground yourself and keep track of what’s really happening. This can be a valuable reminder that your perception is valid, even if it’s being challenged.
Reflect on Times You Trusted Yourself (and Times You Didn’t)
Journaling can be an effective way to work through your thoughts. Write about moments when you followed your instincts and how that turned out, versus times you ignored them. This reflection helps reinforce the value of your inner voice.
Practice Self-Care
Taking time for yourself—even for small things like a warm bath or reading—creates space to reconnect with your instincts. Self-care reminds your mind and body that they matter and deserve nurturing.
Balance Instincts with Logic
Your instincts may not always seem logical, but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong. They’re often based on subtle cues and experiences that your conscious mind may not recognize. Review situations logically but keep your gut feeling in mind as part of your decision-making process.
Reclaiming Your Inner Voice
Rebuilding trust in your instincts is like forming a new relationship with yourself. It takes time, patience, and self-awareness, but with practice, it becomes easier. Remember, your instincts may not always make sense, but they’re rooted in your personal history and wisdom. Give yourself grace as you rebuild that trust and remember: you are learning to listen to your own voice again and you, my friend, are a superstar!
If you have any questions, please let me know. I answer my emails, with no strings attached. I’m here to help!
Sending everyone happy and healthy vibes,
Laura
