Gaslighting

Gaswho? I remember when I heard the term Gaslighting almost over decade ago and thought, “What the heck is that?” Then I read the definition and nodded along with it. It fit me perfectly. I’ll share it here:

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1944 film, ‘Gaslight.” Paula falls in love with Gregory and they get married. Soon after, he starts to show pathological narcissistic behavior, leading to her insanity. In one scene, he messes with the gas light in the attic, which makes the house lights grow dim. When she mentions hearing some footsteps in the attic, and then the lights dimming, he says she’s imagining everything. This makes her second guess herself. Gaslighting is now the widely used term for when a narcissist truly screws with your head making you second-guess yourself.

I was Paula. It didn’t happen to me overnight. It evolved over time, like so many other things in my marriage. My brain slowly got twisted in knots. It was such a bizarre feeling. I went from being this self-assured, (mostly) confident woman to someone who questioned herself about the craziest things.

Potential trigger warning

During the height of my husband’s addiction, I’d walk into the room and literally see a computer screen full of pornography. I know I saw it. It’s kinda hard to miss. There was my husband sitting right there in front of said pornography, and then he’d click out of it out of it at lightening speed. POOF. Magically gone. I’d badger him over and over. “I thought you were going to stop looking at porn? You said you were going to quit.” Or something along those lines.

Instead of saying something like, “I’m trying but I can’t seem to do it. I need help,” he’d say something like, “What’re talking about? I’m on eBay. Are you going to check my browser history next?” because he was still in denial.

Then he’d turn the tables and make me feel guilty for accusing him of doing exactly what I just saw him doing. Before long I was questioning myself. Did I really see him? Was it my own paranoia from the past? Maybe I should listen to him and start trusting him again. Then a voice would try to chime in and say, “No, you did see him looking at porn. Do something!” But that voice wasn’t powerful yet. I had a long way to go before I had the courage to do something about those nagging (but accurate) voices in head telling me I was right.

Trigger warning over

Countless times I found myself second-guessing what I was seeing or hearing. My logical brain would scream at me to do something but my trauma-induced brain would freeze. It’d lose all sense of rationality. I understood how a deer felt when a car came barreling down the highway. You’re screaming at it, “Run, Bambi, run! Why aren’t you jumping out of the way and avoiding getting hit?”

That’s the fight, flight, freeze, fawn mentality. The one struggling is slowly manipulating us, as their disease worsens, our sense of self begins to erode.

The good thing is that with hard work, you can get back not just your old you, but a better version of you. One who is stronger and one who is also more at peace on the inside. Someone who will know if gaslighting starts to happen again, so you can throw some baking soda on that crap, extinguish that fire, and walk away with your head held high.

Are there times that you felt you were gaslighted? If so, do you feel that you’re still being gaslighted? If the answer is “yes,” please know that you’re not alone and that there is hope. Change can happen for you. Understanding that you’re being gaslighted is a big step. A huge step in fact. Having awareness is powerful. It means that you understand what’s going on around you and that knowledge can bring you true strength towards change.

If you’re comfortable with the idea, you can write those times down after they happen to help ground you, keep you in the present, and remind you that this behavior is happening inside your home. This can help you make key decisions further down the road.

Change is possible for you and also for your loved one but it may take time and it also may take the help of counseling or other sources to help each of you navigate your way through. If their behavior doesn’t change, it’s important that you make sure you care for yourself and have a healthy support system in place for you. So please, take the time and do something special for yourself. You deserve it.