I love the topic of boundaries. It's right up there with having an attitude of gratitude and self-care. Creating healthy boundaries is a crucial form of self-care, especially if you’re in a relationship with someone struggling with addiction. After the disclosure of my husband’s addiction, I realized just how much I misunderstood boundaries. I thought I was setting limits, but really, I was trying to control an uncontrollable situation, which made us both miserable. Through my own recovery journey, I learned that boundaries are about emotional security, not control. Here’s what helped me create healthy boundaries with compassion and respect.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1944 film, ‘Gaslight.” Paula falls in love with Gregory and they get married. Soon after, he starts to show pathological narcissistic behavior, leading to her insanity. In one scene, he messes with the gas light in the attic, which makes the house lights grow dim. When she mentions hearing some footsteps in the attic, and then the lights dimming, he says she’s imagining everything. This makes her second guess herself. Gaslighting is now the widely used term for when a narcissist truly screws with your head making you second-guess yourself.

I was Paula. It didn’t happen to me overnight. It evolved over time, like so many other things in my marriage. My brain slowly got twisted in knots. It was such a bizarre feeling. I went from being this self-assured, (mostly) confident woman to someone who questioned herself about the craziest things.

Have you ever had "one of those days?" What about "one of those moments?" For those of us in recovery and healing, knowing how to handle challenging days and moments is an essential part of our recovery and healing journey. And it's much better than having One of Those Days! like Limp Biscuit. Having a safe space at home can help alleviate stress and calm our nerves while promoting and maintaining a positive mindset. It's also a perfect place to go when you're experiencing a trigger.

Have you ever been ready to take a big step forward and suddenly, you freeze? That fear of the unknown can feel overwhelming. You might think, “I’m just not going to do it today.” Guess what? I’ve been there too. Fear can be crippling. So, what do we do with fear? There are two ways we can respond to fear: 

“Forget Everything and Run”, or “Face Everything and Rise.”

Which one will you choose?

Hopefully, you chose “Face Everything and Rise” so you learn about the powerful techniques: playing the script ‘til the end and the stop sign technique. I’m going to use a common example, but these techniques can be applied to just about anything you’re feeling fearful or anxious about.

Last week, I talked about what steps to take after a setback. This week, I’ll share about taking a more preemptive way of thinking by implementing a Setback Prevention Plan. This plan is designed to help you have a proactive approach toward your recovery versus a reactive one. This is a great way to handle challenging moments, urges, situations, and emotions that may lead you to a setback in recovery and healing.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: For most people, setbacks are a part of the addiction recovery journey. That doesn't mean every single person will experience them, but many will. When they happen, the important thing to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and learn from them. The last thing we want is to wrap ourselves up in a blanket of shame. That’s why want to focus on the steps to take after a setback, versus the setback itself.

Last week, I wrote about the signs of a healthy recovery and a not-so-healthy recovery. This week, I’ll share about the other question I get asked by partners of those struggling with addiction: “Should I stay?”

The easiest answer is, “That’s a very personal decision, and no one can or should make it but you.” (Spoiler alert, I’ll be repeating this again.) It’s an easy answer because it’s right, but that doesn’t make it an easy decision.

Some people will advise you to get out while you can. Others will say they deserve a chance to prove themselves. I prefer to remain neutral because it truly is a personal decision that only you can make for yourself. But, what you can do is be educated about what staying may look like. I say “may” because, well, everyone is too different for me to make a blanket statement.

Except for this blanket statement: if you or your children are in danger or are being abused, please leave. There are resources available. You can begin here, or text “Start to 88788 or call 1-800-799-SAFE.