my partner’s an addict-should i stay?
Last week, I wrote about the signs of a healthy recovery and a not-so-healthy recovery. This week, I’ll share about the other question I get asked by partners of those struggling with addiction: “Should I stay?”
The easiest answer is, “That’s a very personal decision, and no one can or should make it but you.” (Spoiler alert, I’ll be repeating this again.) It’s an easy answer because it’s right, but that doesn’t make it an easy decision.
Some people will advise you to get out while you can. Others will say they deserve a chance to prove themselves. I prefer to remain neutral because it truly is a personal decision that only you can make for yourself. But, what you can do is be educated about what staying may look like. I say “may” because, well, everyone is too different for me to make a blanket statement.
Except for this blanket statement: if you or your children are in danger or are being abused, please leave. There are resources available. You can begin here, or text “Start to 88788 or call 1-800-799-SAFE.
I’ll share a bit about my experience and then turn my focus over to the real star of the show, you. As I mentioned before, my husband is in recovery from SLA which includes porn addiction. Thankfully, all these years later after disclosure, we’re still together, and our marriage is better than before, but that’s because we both took the opportunity to do deep dives into ourselves, our healing, and our recoveries.
After disclosure, my initial decision was to leave, so I did. I took the kids and went back to my home state for a few weeks. That gave me time and space to decide what I wanted to do. I realized I didn’t want to just heal from the betrayal trauma. I also wanted to become educated about living with someone going through early recovery. The last time I’d done that was with my first husband over thirty years ago when I was fresh in recovery. Let’s face it, neither of us did it right back then. We were both emotionally unhealthy, and I remained that way after he died.
So, this time, I wanted, no needed to do things right. Not just for my relationship but for me. I needed to be a stronger and healthier version of myself after the dust settled, whether I decided to leave or stay. When I was ready, I returned home and created strong boundaries to help with my emotional well-being. Boundaries were new to us, and adjusting to them took us both time because we had been so enmeshed with one another.
What kept me in the relationship was taking it small bites. I set a time limit for myself to re-evaluate things, then focused on myself. It helped when I stepped back and recognized the small strides he’d made in his recovery instead of always looking for something massive. He shared his feelings with me, something he’d never done with such honesty. He hadn’t had a setback in a long time and had full accountability for himself without blaming me. He was learning to open up and risked sharing his emotions with me and I did the same with him. We used the Concept of Us approach. This way, I could take things a bit slower if I needed to that day, week, or month without feeling a ton of pressure. That approach may work for you, too. If not, don’t give up. You’ll find what works best for you. There’s no one-size-fits-all here.
What About You?
Not all couples can make it through addiction, and that’s understandable. It’s no one’s fault. The important thing to remember is to take care of yourself and your needs and only stay together if you’re both in a healthy recovery and can maintain hope that things can get better. It’s not fixed overnight or cured in a few months. It’s a lifetime of commitment for both of you. Only stay if you’re willing to commit to that kind of recovery, healing, and understanding. That doesn’t mean addiction will consume every moment of your day. But, in the beginning, it feels all-consuming.
Each of us travels on a unique path, and because of that, we all heal and grow in different ways. This also means that only you will know when it’s time to leave your partner. Whether it’s the moment you suspect there’s a problem, the day after you discover it, ten years after, or never, it’s a personal decision entirely up to you and only you. (Told ya I’d say it again. Because it’s true. Despite what anyone tells you, this is your life to live. No one else’s.)
I hope that if you choose to leave, you’ll look for support to help you heal if needed. It may have left footprints of trauma on your brain and can cause you to choose the wrong kind of partner again. Some of us ended up with these guys or gals for a reason (low self-esteem, traumas in our past, etc.), and I hope you will not end up with someone exactly like the person you just left. Our “pickers” can be off, and we need to make sure those “pickers” are fixed before moving on to the next person. If there is a next person.
While there are no right or wrong answers the following are things to consider as you move forward in your relationship. It sounds like a lot. It may feel a bit overwhelming to look at it all wrapped up in a bunch of questions so it may help to remember that not all these things happen right away. I encourage you to keep doing things that are fun and healthy to make sure you don’t get bogged down by your partner’s struggles or swallowed up in anxiety.
Can you still love your partner even though they have an addiction or struggle with unwanted behaviors?
Remove the addiction/struggles from the relationship for a minute. Separate the addiction from your loved one and ask yourself, are they a good partner who treats you with dignity and respect? I’m not suggesting that they roll out the red carpet for you or put a coat over a puddle, so your feet don’t get wet. Rather, I’m asking if you can see the core of their being before the addiction wormed its way in, that person who treated you the way you deserve to be treated
If there are children involved, are they a good parent to them, and if they aren’t the best they could be at this very moment, do you think there’s a possibility they could improve? Be honest with yourself.
Setting the addiction aside, do you share interests like the love of travel, animals, movies, gardening, exercise, gaming, etc.? Do you make each other genuinely laugh and connect?
Is your loved one truly remorseful for what their addiction caused them to do or are they going through the motions to appease you?
Are they letting you know they’ll do whatever it takes to get help? Again, do you believe they’re sincere? Most of the work will be theirs. You can only do your part and hold space for them as their partner, but these are still important questions to consider.
Now, put the addiction back into the relationship and ask yourself if you still love your partner despite their struggle and answer these questions. These may get a bit tough so here’s your gentle reminder to take a break if you need it:
Can you handle the possibility of a lifetime filled with meetings and appointments? Not just for your partner but perhaps for you too depending on what kind of healing and recovery you choose.
Can you accept that you have no control or responsibility for your loved one’s actions?
Do you have a plan in place if your partner isn’t able to maintain their sobriety? If not, are you ready to start thinking about making yourself emotionally prepared in case a setback occurs?
Are you able to stand by them while they figure out the root of their addiction and understand recovery isn’t linear
Are you ready to work harder on yourself and your relationship than ever before? If you’re not ready to work on your relationship, that’s okay. Put it aside.
Will you be able to work hard on your healing and recovery so that if a setback happens, you’ll be like, “Okay, people, the world is not gonna crash down around me. Not today, folks, not today!?” Hang on a sec. I’ll answer that for you. Yes, yes you can! Remember, their setbacks are not a reflection of you.
Are you ready to tap into that independent spirit inside you? We’re all stronger than we give ourselves credit for, including you. Set your mind to healing, and it will happen. You can do it. It doesn’t happen as fast as we want, but it can happen. Don’t doubt yourself. Plant the seeds of positivity, and they can grow.
Are you willing to set boundaries for yourself? The most important boundary I set was to walk away from my marriage if my husband wasn’t in a healthy recovery. Then, I had to decide what a healthy recovery meant to me. Part two of this question is: Can you set boundaries for your partner, and what will that look like for you?
Remember, you’re not responsible for your loved ones’ sobriety or recovery. They are. No amount of crying, pleading, shaming, begging, leaving hints, or anything else will get them clean. Only they can do that, and they have to want to do it. You deserve to put yourself at the top of your priority list. So many of us forget to do that. Whatever you decide, I support you. Have a question? Let me know. I’m happy to help and I’ll answer your emails!
If you have any questions, please let me know. I answer my emails, with no strings attached. I’m here to help!
Sending everyone happy and healthy vibes,
Laura
