Codependency & Enabling
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Have you ever heard a word that immediately made you cringe? For some, the word is “moist.” For others, it’s any abbreviated word or phrase like “rizz” for charisma or “ship” when someone wants to see two people as a couple.
For me, it was hearing the word codependency. I hated that word for such a long time. I prided myself on being an independent woman and despised any suggestion that I wasn’t. I didn’t want to be forced into a label I felt didn’t fit me.
I didn’t even want my counselor to use the word during my sessions with her. If she slipped and said it, I quickly corrected her. The boulder on my shoulder about that word was enormous.
I’d heard the word bandied about in the addiction community but initially refused to admit to myself I fit the description almost completely for a while in my relationship with my husband, prior relationships, and first marriage. I was blind to the fact that my “picker” was broken.
I don’t think I really understood what the word meant. I felt it was just a way to blame me for other’s behaviors. It wasn’t. It meant I was an enabler of their actions. Whether that was addiction or behaviors.
When I looked back, I could see I did enable it. I’d gone into a survival mode to make my marriage work. I denied my husband had a problem, and then I sacrificed my values to make him happy. I tolerated his outbursts of anger and tried to soothe him. I let him isolate away from the family and made excuses for him.
I did the same thing for my daughter’s father when I realized he was an alcoholic. I ran around trying to cover for him rather than letting him be responsible for himself. Same for the boyfriends before him and my first husband. One excuse after another for bad behavior. My track record was terrible.
It's no wonder though. I hadn’t processed my childhood trauma, so I wasn’t emotionally ready to be in a healthy relationship. Can you relate?
It was only after I was well into my recovery that I was able to admit to myself I’d been codependent and an enabler and not feel terrible about it.
Many of us were put in a difficult position when we started our relationships with addicts or unhealthy people, or when we began our road to recovery and healing. Those of us who had low self-esteem were ripe for entering into a relationship with an addict and then assumed a codependent/enabler role, which may have been followed by a parent-child role.
We felt like we needed their approval, or we needed to parent them. It didn’t seem to matter if we ever got that approval or if they listened, we still did it…just in case we got the results we wanted one day. Just in the hopes of.
I craved my husband’s acceptance. I needed to know he felt better about me than I did about myself. I don’t even know how or when I got into that state of mind. I just know I needed his acceptance.
As I look back now, I recognize my missteps in my relationships. That doesn’t mean I’m responsible for their struggles because I’m not. It means somewhere along the line, I lost my identity and got wrapped up in their needs instead of my own.
I put their happiness above all else in my life just to keep peace and harmony in my home. It didn’t matter that it made me miserable. Now I know I’ll never sacrifice my own needs for anyone else.
Are You In A Codependent Relationship?
Do you feel like you tend to put your loved one’s needs ahead of your own?
Do you feel like you’re responsible for your partner’s happiness?
Do you neglect to make time for yourself?
Do you have low self-esteem?
Do you fixate on your mistakes?
Do you need control? Especially others?
Do you need to be liked by everyone?
Do you have poor boundaries?
Do you have a hard time saying no?
Do you struggle to make your own decisions?
Have you been described as needy?
Are you afraid of being left out?
Do you rely on others to meet your needs?
Are you attracted to a fixer-upper?
Do you take on other people’s responsibilities?
Do you jump into a relationship right after one ends?
If you answered yes to more than three of these questions, then it may be time to start doing some core work on yourself, and that’s okay. It’s an opportunity for you to learn more about yourself and to grow in the process.
Sometimes, to heal, we need help from others, and this may be that time for you. Is it time to reach out to a support group or other trusted source?
It may also mean it’s time to consider establishing some boundaries to keep emotionally safe. What boundaries do you feel you need to put in place, if any?
Last question, how can you be your own advocate?
As for me, my marriage is a team now. We’re on our Marriage 2.0. Each of us has gone through counseling. We’ve attended 12-step and group meetings. We found online programs, and we have what I call the Concept of Us.
The Concept of Us meant that we found our independence again. Because my relationship with my husband had evolved over the years. It went from enmeshment with each other, to a parent-child relationship, and finally to a healthy dynamic, but we couldn’t have done that without a healthy sense of self.
We both needed to remember how to stand on our own two feet emotionally. We needed to be strong, healthy individuals so we could be a strong, healthy team.
I didn’t need my husband’s approval to make me feel whole. Nor did he need my validation for him to feel emotionally satisfied. That can only come from within each of us. When we were each on a path toward healing, we could be two healthy individuals who stood side by side moving together toward the same goal: a healthy marriage. Even when we weren’t traveling at the same speed, the objective was still the same.
We found what worked for us was having three recoveries in our marriage: mine, his, and then ours. This allowed us to focus on ourselves and it gave me the time I needed to heal from my trauma before trying to repair the relationship immediately. This way, I could take things a bit slower if I needed to that day, week, or month without feeling a ton of pressure. Lord knows I needed quite a while to process my emotions so any gift of time I could get, I grabbed.
This concept may not be a good fit for you and what you’re going through now and that’s okay. This is your journey and you know what will work best for you and your relationship if you’re in one.
I want you to find your version of a Marriage 2.0 and if you find you need to walk away, my hope is that you will find inner peace on your own path. We all deserve that.
If you have any questions, please let me know. I answer my emails, with no strings attached. I’m here to help!
Sending everyone happy and healthy vibes,
Laura
