Drop The Rock

Photo by Daniele Levis Pelusi on Unsplash

Almost fifteen years ago, my sponsor and I were talking after a meeting, and there was a share that she wanted me to reflect on. When I explained that there wasn't much I could relate to about the share, she said, "Drop the rock."

I had no idea what she was talking about.

She said, "Your ego."

Then, she shared the parable with me. As I listened to her I realized I really had some core work to do. The parable goes:

A group of 12 Step members set sail on the ship Recovery across the Sea of Life for the island of Serenity. Shortly after the ship pulls away from the dock, the passengers realize some of their friends aren't aboard. Sure enough, they see their friend Mary running onto the dock.

The people on the boat cheered her on. "Dive in and swim, Mary!" they shouted. You can do it, Mary!"

Mary dives into the water and swims toward the boat with all her might. Yet, as she gets close to the ship she struggles to stay afloat.

Her friends can see why. A heavy rock hangs from a snarl of strings around Mary's neck. "Drop the rock!" They all shout. "Let go! Drop the rock!"

Mary realizes the rock contains her fear, resentment, self-pity, anger, intolerance, and other characteristics that she wants to change. She also realizes that if she doesn't let go of them, she will drown.

She tears off the strings, holds the rock away from her body, and lets it go. Freed of the heavy and useless weight, Mary quickly swims the rest of the way to the ship. She climbs aboard, dripping and deeply relieved.

As we move through our recovery and healing journey, we learn to recognize and let go of character defects, shortcomings, and negative attitudes that would sink us. We free ourselves to become the people we want to be and cause a ripple effect on those around us. When we have acts of humility, willingness, and courage, they cause a positive and healing ripple effect on one another.

My sponsor was right, I needed to work on my ego. She told me that ego stood for Easing God Out. Now, I am not one to talk about my faith with many people, and hearing that from her added to that gigantic chip that I carried on my shoulder.

I initially thought, "Who is she to challenge my relationship with God?" Then, after some reflection, I realized she was right. She wasn't questioning my relationship with my higher power. She asked me to reflect on the fact that I was putting myself as the highest power in every situation.

For example, despite my lack of knowledge in the world of recovery, I still thought I knew best. Despite my lack of knowledge in the world of trauma, I still thought I knew what was best for me.

The more I looked at it, I realized I was too afraid to ask for help because I carried so much shame about my childhood abuse. Although it wasn't my fault, it still filled me with shame. Plus, the things I did during my own addiction brought me shame. I felt unworthy and like I was a burden to other people. It felt like so much weight to carry. It didn't matter how many times people would say, "Call me; that's what I'm here for." I still struggled to pick up that phone.

I decided to change my mindset and retrain my brain. I would know that not only am I worth picking up the phone and asking for help, but one day, I would be someone people could turn to and ask for help. I learned that everyone's recovery and healing is going to look different. What works for me may not work for you. The important thing is that we all keep moving forward in a positive direction and understand that we're all a constant work in progress.

I invested in myself and learned through the help of Brene' Brown, the difference between shame and guilt. Her Ted Talk helped me immensely. Especially this quote:

Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.” How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake?” How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake.

I understood what happened to me as a child and young adult wasn't my fault. I was the victim and I needed to learn how to become the victor through healing.

My sponsor asked me to list my flaws, and so I gave her three, you know, because I only had three (insert eye roll). She returned them to me and asked me to do more reflecting.

So, I did what any good sponsee does and googled character defects for the fourth step in AA. I nearly passed out at how many I found that applied to me, but the cool thing was that I also found that these could be turned into my strengths. And that's the same for you, too.

• What rocks would you like to drop?

• What characteristics would you like to change?

• What ripple effect would you like to cause?

  • In your home, in your personal space, in your job, in other people's lives

Sending everyone happy and healthy vibes,

Laura