Emotional Sobriety
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Have you heard of emotional sobriety? If not, you're not alone. Many people in recovery and healing, present company included, don't hear about it until they're well into their recovery.
What is emotional sobriety?
Emotional sobriety is the ability to feel all our emotions, the good and the bad, and then process the feelings. We learn to move through, lean into, and, most of all, not ignore them.
We want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. When we ignore what our brain and body tell us, we contribute to our problems.
When we're emotionally sober, we have balance in our life. A great saying about emotional sobriety in AA is, "My definition of balance is being able to obsess equally in all areas of my life." Funny but also entirely accurate.
When we're emotionally sober, we can let things go, remain calm even during chaotic times, not substitute one unhealthy behavior for another, and we find gratitude even in challenging moments.
I was emotionally lost until I heard about it. I thought I'd be good to go when I put down my drug of choice.
Not so much.
There's a lot of work involved in getting healthy, isn't there? For me, I hadn't done anything about why I turned to drugs to numb my pain. I was verbally abused and experienced sexual abuse as a child but didn't talk to anyone about it. Instead, I turned to drugs to numb my pain.
Then, I got chemically sober. I had a lot of emotions I needed to look at. A lot of us do, don't we? And I, for one, did not do any of that. I tucked, okay, fine, no tucking; I shoved and crammed everything into the back recesses of my brain. When I was in my twenties, my husband and father (the best dad in all the land) passed away within nine months of each other, leaving me a widow with two small children and a mom in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's. I remember being so proud of myself for not using at the funerals. Especially my husband's when my drug of choice was offered to me.
It was false pride, though. I wasn't allowing myself to mourn. I compartmentalized all my emotions. Walled them all off where I wouldn't feel them.
I made unhealthy choices, had no sense of peace or calm, and had poor emotional boundaries. Rather than looking inward, I looked outward, ended up in unhealthy relationships, and made unwise decisions.
When I decided to commit to my recovery and healing, I added a ton of things to my recovery toolkit. Support groups, counseling, and AA meetings – there's where I heard about emotional sobriety.
Ways to achieve emotional sobriety:
• Awareness of your emotions
• Do not ignore that tingle in the back of your head or that churning in your gut.
• You can do that by naming your emotions. We've all heard the saying, "You've got to name it to claim it" It's true.
• Remember, emotions are forms of energy forever seeking expression. As you feel an emotion, notice it. If you need to, write it down, and journal about it.
• Feel your feelings
• You've got to feel it to heal it, even if it means sitting with your pain because a weight can be lifted after you've moved through it.
• Move through them. Experience them.
• If you need to cry, cry.
• If you're angry, express it in a healthy way: scream into a pillow, journal, call a trusted friend/source, exercise, go for a walk, write a letter (then shred or burn it – don't send it!) attend counseling, or life coaching, etc.
• Find a healthy balance, and sense of calm, even when life gets chaotic. Make sure that you're not substituting one thing for another.
(See below for a technique on how to do these things)
Utilize tools in your recovery and healing toolkit:
• Eat better
• Exercise
• "Me" time
• Meditate/yoga
• Dance/sing
• Hobby: gardening, sewing, writing, etc.
• Color: stress reliever
• Guided imagery
• Create a vision board
• Read
• Crochet, knit, and crafts
• Puppy, kitty playtime! Or visit your local shelter
• Volunteer
• Don't forget to step back and evaluate what's going on while working through your emotions. Take a moment to pause, breathe, and, if necessary, ground yourself using grounding exercises.
• Ask yourself: What is the good? Reframe a situation from negative to positive.
Maintaining emotional sobriety:
• Be a positive force and act. Getting started can be challenging–taking it one step at a time is okay. Show yourself grace. Chunk things down to bite-sized pieces.
• Communicate your needs in a healthy way.
• Practice forgiveness of yourself and others.
• Learn the art of letting go.
• Schedule time for yourself and have some fun! Life is meant to live and to enjoy.
If you’re up to it, you can also apply the Meet It, Greet It, Transform It technique to your emotions and thoughts. First, we Meet It by acknowledging the thought or emotion’s presence. This takes awareness. After you’ve acknowledged the thought, Greet it. Give it a name. Is it fear, insecurity, rejection, loneliness, jealousy? Is it a trigger, like a place or a person? Then, allow yourself to move through the thought or emotion and process it.
Remember, it’s okay to feel uncomfortable as you do this. Many of us have spent a lot of time (and money) avoiding uncomfortable feelings. It’s also okay to be angry or sad. It’s normal. Many of us have been hurt, and some of us have been traumatized by what we’ve been through in our lives, present company included.
That’s why it’s important to have as many recovery and healing tools in your toolkit as possible while you’re on your journey, so you have ways to ground yourself and manage your anxiety.
For the best talk about emotional sobriety I've ever heard, listen to Mr. Tom B from AA. You don't have to be into AA for his talk to resonate with you. You can find it on YouTube by searching Tom B emotional sobriety. He'll make you laugh, and if you can relate, he'll make you nod your head too.
• Here are a few of the questions Tom asks the crowd (taken in part from the transcript):
• "Question: yes or no: Do you accept criticism well? Are you usually hurt or angered by criticism? Do you have a difficult time accepting compliments? Do others think more highly of you than you do of yourself? Do you depend on others to make you feel good about yourself?
Does what others say about you unduly influence your feelings and beliefs about yourself? Do you often do a good job and know it, but don't feel good about it?
Do you often feel like a loser – even though you know you're a good person? Do you often put yourself down? Looking honestly at your life, do you treat yourself very well? Do you treat others better than you treat yourself? Do you do nice things for others in order to get attention or compliments? When you express love for someone are you hurt when he or she doesn't respond in kind? Do you often feel afraid, even though you know everything's okay? Do you often feel you're not enough? Do you often feel you're falling short of what you should be and what you should do? Does it bother you greatly when you know that someone dislikes or disapproves of you? Do you kiss ass to make 'em like you? (That wasn't one of the questions, by the way.) Do you often refrain from doing or saying what you should for fear of how others may react to it? Do your feelings depend on how your significant other is treating you? Do you feel you're a good person no matter what others may think?"
When you're emotionally sober, you're comfortable in your own skin. You stand tall, embrace your flaws, and don't allow your inner self to be defined by others but to be defined by you and you alone. So be proud of who you are and all you've accomplished so far. We're all destined for great things. Remember, healing and recovery is a marathon, not a race. Go at your pace, the important thing is that you keep going.
There is always hope when it comes to addiction. If you have any questions, please let me know. I answer emails, no strings attached.
Sending everyone happy and healthy vibes,
Laura
