It’s been over a decade since my disclosure days. Here are the words and terms I encountered the most during my healing and recovery journey. Note: Some may be updated now:

A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous):

These support groups for alcoholics use the twelve-step program. They focus on the alcoholic’s recovery through the support of other alcoholics. This is included because it was part of my journey with emotional sobriety.

Acting Out:

These are behaviors that are carried out during the addiction that became unhealthy and/or compulsive. Things like viewing pornography, masturbating, affairs, etc.

Boundaries:

In a healthy relationship, there are healthy emotional and physical distances between partners. There are clear, agreed upon ways of interacting. For example, “We won’t read each other’s text messages unless there’s an emergency.”

In an unhealthy relationship, the couple may fall into unhealthy roles. Maybe one person tries to control the other. Or they are so enmeshed with one another they become codependent and enabling. When a boundary is coming from the right place and not from fear or manipulation, they can help us heal after going through something as painful as disclosure.

COSA (Codependents of Sex Addicts):

COSA is a support group for the partners of sex addicts. It’s also a twelve-step program that focuses on the healing of the partner rather than focusing on the addict’s behavior. The idea is that the partner is a codependent/co-addict, thus the focus is on overcoming their dependency on the addict. There is another group with the same concept called CODA, but they don’t focus solely on sex addiction.

Emotional Affair (EA): (Possible trigger)

It’s an affair based on someone’s emotional needs being met rather than physical needs. They come in many forms and can start as an innocent friendship that builds into an emotional affair. The best way to know if you’re in an emotional affair is to ask yourself a few questions. Does your partner know about this other person? If they read or heard your conversations, would it upset them? Do you turn to that person rather than your partner to share your dreams, frustrations, or advice? Answering yes to one or more of these questions means it may be an emotional affair.

Disclosure Day (DDay): (Possible trigger)

The day the proverbial shit hits the proverbial fan. That’s the day the addict or person struggling provides information about their acting out. Many partners, myself included, experience multiple disclosure days.

Gaslighting:

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1944 film, ‘Gaslight.”  Paula falls in love with Gregory and they get married. Soon after, he starts to show pathological narcissistic behavior, leading to her insanity. In one scene, he messes with the gas light in the attic, which makes the house lights grow dim. When she mentions hearing some footsteps in the attic, and then the lights dimming, he says she’s imagining everything. This makes her second guess herself. Gaslighting is now the widely used term for when a narcissist truly screws with your head making you second-guess yourself.

Hypervigilant:

This heightened state of senses usually occurs with a form of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The person going through this becomes hyper-aware of their surroundings, sensitive to normal stimuli, and can become obsessive about protecting themselves from further hurt. For partners of those struggling, hypervigilance stems from the trauma we’ve experienced.

Mind Movies: (Possible trigger)

This is just as it sounds; a movie in your mind. It’s seeing the events surrounding your partner’s behaviors (i.e.: affairs, pornography) in your mind as if you were there for them even if you weren’t. It can also be reliving the moments of disclosure over and over again. They are very unpredictable and can happen anywhere.

No Contact Letters: (Possible trigger)

When your partner sends a letter (email) to their affair partner informing them to cease all contract, it’s called a No Contact Letter.

Online Affair (OA): (Possible trigger)

Very similar to an emotional affair, but it may not have an emotional connection. Instead, it’s purposeful flirting, sexual innuendos, risqué pictures, sexting, webcam, IMing (instant messaging), meeting on adult sites, etc.

Pain mining:

Pain mining is continually doing something despite the emotional turmoil you feel while you’re doing it. This can happen by re-reading painful emails, visiting unhealthy websites, or asking our partner painful questions about their addiction or their unhealthy behaviors, etc. Doing these things can cause us to trigger, feel anxious, or depressed. It can also provoke feelings of anger. Sometimes we engage in pain mining as a way of coping. It helps us remember why we feel so hurt and betrayed.

Relational/Betrayal Trauma:

This is the trauma that happens when the addict emotionally damages their partner. It shares many characteristics of PTSD.

S-Anon (Sexaholics-Anonymous Family Group):

This is a support group for the partners of sex addicts. It’s a twelve-step program that focuses on the healing of the partner rather than focusing on the addict’s behavior.

SAA/SA/SLAA: (Sex Addicts Anonymous/Sexaholics Anonymous/Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous):

These support groups for sex addicts use the twelve-step program. They focus on the addicts’ recovery through the support of other sex addicts.

Slip aka Setback:

A slip, also known in lots of circles as a setback, is when the addict does something they’ve defined as an unhealthy behavior. It’s a very personal decision for each addict in recovery and may even change as they grow and evolve on their path to long-lasting sobriety.

Sex Addiction (SA):

It’s a persistent and escalating compulsive pattern or patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self or others. (Porn, masturbation, repeated affairs, cyber/phone sex, multiple/anonymous partners, strip clubs, prostitution, etc.) Remember, sex addiction is not about the sex. Sex is the symptom of the disease and the inability to connect intimately on an emotional level.

There are three levels of the addiction, but all of them can be managed in recovery if the addict works hard. The term sex addict is frightening to hear, but it doesn’t mean your partner is some kind of psycho. It means they have a disease and that disease can be treated. My husband’s addiction was mostly to pornography and masturbation. Others in his Sex Addiction Anonymous group struggle with multiple affairs, prostitutes, or phone sex, just to name a few. It varies from person to person, just like any other addiction.

Sex and Love Addiction (SLAA)

This is a bit harder to define than sex addiction. It shares many of the same behaviors, such as compulsive masturbation or an obsession with porn, but rather than act out with sex, the addict engages in multiple emotional affairs that may or may not lead to physical contact. The addiction is to the chase and/or the fantasy of the relationship and once the rush wears off, the relationship ends. My husband personally relates more to SLAA than SA.

Three Circles as defined per SAA (There’s an example on my blog and resource hub):

The SAA website states, “We draw three concentric circles, consisting of an inner, middle, and outer circle. With the help of our sponsor or others in recovery, we write down various behaviors in each of the three circles. In the inner circle we put the sexual behaviors we want to abstain from, the ones we consider “acting out.” These are the behaviors that we identify, with our sponsor's guidance, as addictive, harmful, or unacceptable for us. In the middle circle we put behaviors that may lead to acting out, or that we are not sure about. In the outer circle we put healthy behaviors that enhance our life and our recovery.”

Triggers:

These vary from person to person because of the trauma we’ve been through. They are usually uncontrollable, emotional responses caused by a specific stimulus around you. This might be a variety of things like a picture, smell, store, or even a facial expression. They’re unpredictable and can feel paralyzing.

White knuckling

This is when someone in recovery tries to stay sober without a good recovery plan in place. It’s like gripping the seat on a roller coaster with all your strength so you don’t fall off, instead of trusting the safety harness to do its job. Your knuckles turn white from the strain of trusting only yourself. The belt is there to keep you safe, much like the tools of recovery are there to keep you sober.

 Am I missing something? Let me know!