In the early stages after my husband’s disclosure, we found a written boundary agreement helpful to navigate my betrayal trauma. While not necessary for every couple, a written agreement can provide structure, though there’s no one-size-fits-all approach due to each relationship’s unique needs. You can switch out unwanted behaviors i.e.: pornography with drugs or alcohol, etc.

Over time, I realized that it wasn’t helping us move forward. As my healing progressed, I learned to approach each situation individually and gradually felt ready to let go of it. A boundary agreement can serve as a temporary tool, but for long-term progress, flexibility and open communication are crucial.

If you’re considering a boundary agreement, remember that it’s okay for it to change as your relationship and individual recoveries evolve. Some couples include specific consequences for boundary crossings, while others don’t. Ultimately, you'll know what works best for your relationship. Here’s what worked—and didn’t work—for me.

As you work on establishing boundaries, take a moment to reflect on what you truly need for your own emotional wellbeing. This is about creating clarity for yourself and expressing these needs to your partner in a respectful way.

Let’s begin with a few steps:

1. Get Prepared
Grab a notebook, pen, and a drink (something non-alcoholic so you’re clear-headed). Take a few deep, grounding breaths. This will help you stay calm and centered as you dig into these thoughts and emotions.

2. Identify "Common Sense" Boundaries
Start with small, manageable boundaries that protect your mental health. These are boundaries that may seem like common sense but are essential to your peace of mind.
For example:

o   "If you’re going to be late, please text me. Otherwise, I start to worry, and it triggers my anxiety."

o   "Please read the article our counselor recommended to understand the trauma I’m experiencing."

These boundaries are not about controlling your partner; they’re about addressing your needs in response to what you’ve been through.

3. Consider Consequences (If needed)
Think about whether any boundaries should have results if crossed. Remember, this isn’t about punishing your partner; it’s about prioritizing your own emotional safety.
Possible results could be:

o   Skipping a planned date night if you don’t feel emotionally up for it. No need to put on a fake smile if you’re not feeling it.

o   Needing some space, like a night alone, to process your feelings.

4. Establish Non-Negotiable Boundaries
Next, consider boundaries that reflect what you can and cannot accept.
Examples from my experience:

o   "If my husband cheats again, I will leave. I have made peace with this boundary as necessary for my self-respect."

o   "If he has a setback and hides it, he’ll sleep in another room for three days. I need transparency for trust to rebuild."

o   On the other hand, "If he has a setback but tells me openly, there is no consequence. Addiction can come with challenges, and open communication makes a difference."

Use these boundaries as an example and a starting point for reflecting on what you need and what helps you feel secure. Boundaries may shift as you both progress, but honoring what you need in each stage is key to your healing and growth.

Defining Your Boundaries and Actions

Now, let’s put pen to paper to define what you can accept, what you need, and how you’ll handle difficult moments in your relationship. This process will help you gain clarity and set boundaries that feel right for you.

1. Consider What You Can Accept
Reflect on what you can realistically accept in your relationship. For example:

o   Are you okay if your partner experiences a setback with certain behaviors, like pornography, but not others?

o   Knowing your limits will help you define boundaries that support your emotional wellbeing.

2. Decide on Your Involvement with Your Partner’s Triggers and Setbacks
Think about whether you want to know the details of your partner’s bottom-line or inner-circle behaviors (those that are off-limits to them, as they work on their recovery).

o   Keep in mind, this knowledge can sometimes increase anxiety, especially while you’re still processing the trauma from past disclosures.

o   If you do want to know, consider whether you’re able to listen calmly and understand that setbacks aren’t your fault. Or would you prefer that slips are discussed only between your partner and their sponsor/accountability partner?

3. Determine Actions You Can Enforce
If you decide to set consequences for crossed boundaries, choose actions that you know you can uphold.

o   Examples might include sleeping in separate rooms, a temporary period of abstinence, or an honest, open conversation.

o   Pick responses that support your wellbeing and don’t feel like punishment.

Remember, any action you set for a boundary should be something you’re confident you can enforce. Otherwise, it might lead to frustration for both you and your partner.

By taking these steps, you’re defining what feels acceptable and manageable for you. This is about protecting your emotional health while respecting the complex dynamics in your relationship.